The Stoics expected to meet difficult people every day, and they planned for it. Their main idea is simple to say and hard to practise: people act on what they believe is right, so most rudeness, meanness and stubbornness comes from mistaken judgement rather than a plot against you. That does not make bad behaviour acceptable. It does change how you respond to it. Below are 19 lines from Marcus Aurelius, Epictetus and Seneca on dealing with difficult people, each checked word for word against a public-domain translation, with the work and section so you can read them in context.
For the wider toolkit on relationships, criticism and social fear, see our Stoic guide to relationships and difficult people. If the problem is mostly your own temper, the companion page is Stoic quotes on anger.
Marcus Aurelius on difficult people
Dealing with difficult people was part of Marcus's job. His notebook shows him preparing for them in advance and reminding himself what they are.
Begin the morning by saying to thyself, I shall meet with the busy-body, the ungrateful, arrogant, deceitful, envious, unsocial.
Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 2.1 (trans. George Long)
Men exist for the sake of one another. Teach them then, or bear with them.
Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 8.59 (trans. George Long)
If a man is mistaken, instruct him kindly and show him his error. But if thou art not able, blame thyself, or blame not even thyself.
Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 10.4 (trans. George Long)
Teach them then, and show them without being angry.
Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 6.27 (trans. George Long)
If thou art able, correct by teaching those who do wrong; but if thou canst not, remember that indulgence is given to thee for this purpose.
Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 9.11 (trans. George Long)
It is peculiar to man to love even those who do wrong.
Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 7.22 (trans. George Long)
When thou art offended at any man’s fault, forthwith turn to thyself and reflect in what like manner thou dost err thyself
Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 10.30 (trans. George Long)
He also reminded himself that expecting difficult people to behave well is like expecting a tree not to be a tree:
Consider that he who would not have the bad man do wrong, is like the man who would not have the fig-tree to bear juice in the figs, and infants to cry, and the horse to neigh
Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 12.16 (trans. George Long)
Suppose any man shall despise me. Let him look to that himself. But I will look to this, that I be not discovered doing or saying anything deserving of contempt.
Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 11.13 (trans. George Long)
And he did not think you had to stand there and take it. Sometimes the right move is to step aside:
let us overlook many things in those who are like antagonists in the gymnasium. For it is in our power, as I said, to get out of the way, and to have no suspicion nor hatred.
Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 6.20 (trans. George Long)
Epictetus on difficult people
Epictetus gives the most practical tools: a sentence to say to yourself, and a choice about which "handle" to pick a situation up by.
When a man speaks evil or does evil to you, remember that he does or says it because he thinks it is fitting for him.
Epictetus, Enchiridion 42 (trans. P. E. Matheson)
If you act on this principle you will be gentle to him who reviles you, saying to yourself on each occasion, 'He thought it right.'
Epictetus, Enchiridion 42 (trans. P. E. Matheson)
Everything has two handles, one by which you can carry it, the other by which you cannot.
Epictetus, Enchiridion 43 (trans. P. E. Matheson)
For till you have decided what judgement prompts him, how do you know that he acts badly?
Epictetus, Enchiridion 45 (trans. P. E. Matheson)
Seneca on difficult people
Seneca wrote a whole essay, On the Firmness of the Wise Man, about injury and insult. His comparison is a doctor with a patient who is not in their right mind.
let us distinguish between injury and insult. The former is naturally the more grievous, the latter less important, and grievous only to the thin-skinned, since it angers men but does not wound them.
Seneca, On the Firmness of the Wise Man 5 (trans. Aubrey Stewart)
for what physician is angry with a crazy patient? who takes to heart the curses of a fever-stricken one who is denied cold water?
Seneca, On the Firmness of the Wise Man 13 (trans. Aubrey Stewart)
We ought not to engage in quarrels and wrangling
Seneca, On the Firmness of the Wise Man 19 (trans. Aubrey Stewart)
Try, in your dealings with others, to harm not, in order that you be not harmed.
Seneca, Letters 103.3 (trans. Richard M. Gummere)
Let her strip off your faults, rather than assist you to decry the faults of others.
Seneca, Letters 103.5 (trans. Richard M. Gummere), on using philosophy
One way to use these
- Rehearse the morning. Before a day you know will be hard, do what Marcus does in Meditations 2.1. Name the people and what they are likely to do. Being surprised is half of what makes it sting.
- Say the sentence. When someone is rude, try Epictetus's line from Enchiridion 42: "He thought it right." You do not have to agree with them. It just stops you treating their behaviour as an attack you must answer.
- Pick the other handle. Enchiridion 43 asks which way you can actually carry this. "My colleague undermined me" is the handle that cannot be carried. "My colleague, who I still have to work with tomorrow" is the one that can.
- Teach, bear with, or step aside. Marcus gives three options: teach them (8.59), bear with them (8.59), or get out of the way (6.20). None of them involves getting even.
None of this means putting up with abuse. If someone is threatening or harming you, your safety comes first, and stepping away or getting help is the Stoic move, not a failure of it.
For a related practice, see how to stop caring what other people think. For more sourced lines on every theme, see the main collection of Stoic quotes.
Sources
- Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 2.1, 6.20, 6.27, 7.22, 8.59, 9.11, 10.4, 10.30, 11.13, 12.16, trans. George Long (1862).
- Epictetus, Enchiridion 42, 43, 45, trans. P. E. Matheson (1916).
- Seneca, On the Firmness of the Wise Man 5, 13, 19, trans. Aubrey Stewart (1889); Letters 103.3, 103.5, trans. Richard M. Gummere (Loeb, 1917 to 1925).
If you want structured practice, the 7-Day Stoic Challenge is free. Nine audio lessons and a 42-page workbook.